shapes

Today has been a day of shapes. Shapes everywhere. I have noticed that circles are predominant.

Exercise for body and mind

As the mind fails to work I resorted to exercise today. It really does help when I can be bothered. Jumped around half heartedly for an half an hour. Afterwards I stared at the walls. Joy.

Today

Feeling low and know that I am depressed but trying to keep myself going. I have known I am in a depressive bout now for about 2 weeks. I have begun to switch off to those I adore and I am leaning on someone I hardly know and know I should not push my negativity on. Why am I doing this? Not sure. I always do. It means I still feel alive and not judged.

Other sure signs of depression - numbness in my head, a slowing of thoughts, weight gain, lack of interest and empathy for those I love. I also know I am dreaming a great deal. I can feel my mind is going to hibernation. I want to talk but cannot really express how I feel. I have no idea how I really feel. That is the problem with depression - you lose the ability to really express yourself.

I will need to take time off work before I get so ill I cannot function. School is sometimes my redemption in the short term. I have, however, learned to accept that I have to stop. Last week I felt hostile to others at work.

I think I should accept the fact that my mind is messy at the moment and needs a rest.

Submarines and flowers

I am having dreams that make me wake up in a spin. I dream about living in a submarine and lots of people come and visit me. Have you ever had one of those dreams where people from different times in your life come together in your dreams?

The latest one is about my mum. She arrives in her lovely green jacket and tartan headband. All her hair is back - she looks like the mum I remember when I was 12. She asks to come in and I say yes. I tell her I miss her - she tells me I should get on and that she is just here for a while. I smell the lavender on her clothes. I am taken back to lying with her when she was so ill. I am transported back to the most painful time in my life. Yet I am smiling. I am smiling because I have her back, even though she is in pain, I have her back. For those few hours I feel delirious. I am on a high. I play her simon and garfunkel and I tell her about what I have been doing. She does not speak she just listens. Occasionally she touches my hair. I then introduce her to a dear friend of mine. She smiles and tells me I am lucky and that I should stop being like my father. Accept life is tough and embrace it. I miss her for this. I miss the fact that she often did not tell me what I wanted to hear.

The time for her to leave is near and I know it. I ask her to stay and she says she does not want to. She wants to go. She needs to go. I hold on to her green coat and smile. I ask when she is coming back and she says nothing. I notice her face becoming more blurred. I wake up. I wake up and re-enter the real world.

Thoughts

1) I am destined to do something very different to what I am doing now
2) I want to feel more alive
3) Loose mind
4) Need to read a book to escape

The sausage of prosperity

of course it had to be sausage

Still unsure of the future

Had alot to think about today. Said goodbye to someone who has been in my life for the past year and found it hard to express myself. Why? My own life is in an odd place - want to change things but unsure how and why. I sense my mum today, not in a truly negative place at the moment but clearly nearby. Who can I talk to? My mum in my dreams